i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
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