1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
