my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
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