That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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