Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
