Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
