I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
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