we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
