I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
