So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
