If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
