ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
