I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
