Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
