I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Randomize
