I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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