Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
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