Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
