i jhust puked up my retainher.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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