I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh�
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
