i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Randomize
