She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
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