my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
