if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
