i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
