dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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