the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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