I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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