I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
