All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
