I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
