I wish you could order shots online.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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