just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
