Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
