I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
