She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
