Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
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