the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
