I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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