If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Randomize
