There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
