hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
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