I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
My underwear smells like fireworks.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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