I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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