Your face is a jimmy john
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Randomize
