dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
