i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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