Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
