They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
