i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
